Doug Barron assaulted the golf world swiftly and covertly by becoming the first American professional to fail a test for Performance Enhancing Drugs.  The PGA Tour announced a one year suspension for the 40 year old, practically anonymous pro.  This man snuck into our ranks, inseminated our sport with his seed of blasphemy, and forever shook the foundation of our centuries old game.

Sure, there had been cheating in the past.  The mystery of Tiger's ball shooting out of the woods at Valhalla.  Craig Stalder's stance in the tree.  Vijay Singh's supposed impropriety.  Ian Woosnam carrying a club too many.  But, this - THIS - was different.  It was chemical.  It was psychological.  Now the collective mind of our game is concussed and left staggering more than Troy Aikman in a Cowboy pocket.

As we begin to recover and enter into the post-Doug Drug Barron world - now more than ever - our sport requires serious vigilance when it comes to identifying and outing golfers with a chemical romance for the 'roids.  (And beta blockers.  And cough syrup.)

Clearly, the PGA Tour's drug testing policy has failed us.  Sure, it's great to know who the players are that cheat AFTER they sinned against God and their country.  But what about being able to predict the syringe in the vein before it ever happens?  If Tom Cruise could do it in Minority Report, then surely a smarter, swifter action can be taken in reality by a much smarter band of merry men at the PGA Tour.

Testing has to be both mental and phsyical.  At random, players must be strapped to lie detectors before their round.  They must be interrogated - at length - about lies in their personal and professional lives in order to predict future behaviors.  Surely, we would not resort to enhanced interrogation techniques, but it is critical to strike fear into the hearts of professional golfers that their livelihoods are at stake with one false move.  The Tour should not be above blackmail to prevent doping.

And it doesn't stop before the round.  Players should have to supply a urine sample twice before the round, including once on the first tee.  We'll make room for the port-a-john if it guarantees the snow white purity of a player (though not their sample).  If they cannot produce, then they can't play. 

This will encourage players to drink more than healthy amounts of water during the round, which will really help them when they also have to produce urine samples at the 6th, 12th, and 18th tees respectively.  Further, players will be escorted to on-course rent-a-pots by Tour officials specifically assigned to guarantee that no Whizzinator or Uroclub could be used to supply a disingenuous sample. 

What?  That's too much?  Crosses the line?  Do you hate freedom? 

We must ensure that the fans, fellow competitors, and - most critically - golf writers can speak about golf's long-standing records with trust. 

Vigilance and vigilante have the same prefix.  I wholeheartedly support fans going inside of the ropes during the round to perform their own drug tests on players to back check the job of the PGA Tour officials!  They could be in on this, too, in order to protect the biggest names in the sport.

In fact, we should even go back and test retired major champions just to make sure they're not doping now.  If they're on the snuff now, how could they not have been then?

Arnold Palmer smoked cigarettes on course during his career.  Could they not have been laced with ecstacy to ensure a mellow mood?

Gary Player sure traveled a lot during his career to galavant golf to the global masses.  No man can have that kind of energy.  He clearly was on speed.  After all, he said that he knew for a FACT that guys were doping.  He didn't say which guys.

No player - active or retired, living or dead - should be spared from our inquisition.  Golf's name must be cleared!

In no way should Doug Barron be regarded as a hack, a one-off, an anomaly, or a guy with a beer gut.  No!  He should be a pale beacon to the world that we must do more to protect golf from the tantalizing stench of PEDs.  As for the odorless and colorless PEDs, we have to make sure that they do not evolve to create an appealing musk and hue.  Otherwise, players will flock to them like our youth flock to Skittles.  Can you imagine how much better tasting the rainbow must be if it also makes you stronger and faster?

In fact, ban all snacks during the golf round!  That potassium from those bananas that Tiger Woods eats might give him the strength to focus on breaking Jack Nicklaus' records - records, by the way, that have not been spared an asterisk until further evidence of his blood's purity is obtained and validated.

The whole game is in a state of flux!  I've lost my sense of direction, and it's not because of marijuana smoke, but rather the cloud of doubt that now hangs over our fair sport.

Never forget Doug Barron.  Never.  Forget.