Hey there, golfoblogosphere!  How's it going?  Glad to see all the focus on the globetrotting guys of the golfing world lately amid the dawning recognition that the Asian Pacific is where it's at.  Oh, sorry, where are my manners?  Please bow your heads and shout out 3 w00ts in honor of Tiger's big win down under.  Think he's remembering how to close again?  Tiger v. Phil in 2010 is ON! 

OK, now that the formalities have been dispensed with, let me hasten to assure you that this post is not about Sakura Yokomine's wire-to-wire win on the JLPGA that just about pulled her even with Shinobu Moromizato in the money-list race on the 2nd-best women's tour on the planet.  Seriously, if Rory had pulled his hair into a ponytail, worn knee-highs and a short skirt, and snuck into the field, maybe a few golf writers in Europe would have cared.  But everyone knows the cardinal rule of golf:  only care about what goes on in the biggest tour in your own country, and only to the top 2 or 3 players on it.

But let's face it, you can only drum up so much interest in the names and the nameless ones trying to avoid PGA purgatory today at the Magic Kingdom.  No worries for Golf Channel, though.  As it turns out, the U.S. hosts the #1 women's tour on the planet, the LPGA.  (You may have heard of it.)  Well, it just so happens that Lorena Ochoa, who is finally showing signs of being merely human since overtaking Annika Sorenstam as the world #1 in 2006, is in danger of having her 3-year streaks of winning both the Player of the Year and Vare Trophy (for lowest scoring average) come crashing to an end at the very tournament she's hosting this week.  No, no, not to Michelle Wie, although she does happen to be tied for the lead with Cristie Kerr, who actually does have an outside chance of winning both year-end awards.  Actually, the favorite to win both those awards is the same player who can clinch the money-list title this week.  Ji-Yai Shin, the Final Round Queen of the KLPGA and 2009 LPGA Rookie of the Year, who's gunning for her 7th LPGA win in the last year and a half, is only a shot back after an unfortunate series of events over her final 7 holes yesterday opened the door to 1/3 of the elite field to play spoiler.  She's still got a big lead on Ai Miyazato and Suzanne Pettersen, and...

No, wait, I'm doing this all wrong.  Forget those f-ing furriners!  It's time to think like GC and party like it's 2016! 

USA! USA! USA!  USA! USA! USA!  MICHELLE WIE, CRISTIE KERR, and PAULA CREAMER are duelling for AMERICA'S HONOR today at 4.  They're concerned for Steve Elling's health as he cries us a river every week another American fails to win on OUR OWN TOUR.  Now they MEAN BUSINESS.  And they're IN IT TO WIN IT.  USA! USA! USA!  USA! USA! USA!

Hey, who cares that Yu Na Kim is going to win Skate America at Lake Placid today?  It's back to the future today on the LPGA.  Guadalajara is the new Lake Placid.  You heard it here first--here's what the final leaderboard will look like at the end of the day:

1. Michelle Wie

2. Paula Creamer

3. Cristie Kerr

4. Brittany Lang

5. Morgan Pressel

6. Kristy McPherson

7. who cares?  she won't be American!

But if you don't watch it live on Golf Channel at 4 today, it'll be your fault it doesn't happen.  On behalf of the nation, let me be the first to say, "Shame on you!  And you call yourself an American?"

[Note:  I'm concerned that SBN's editing program not allowing strikethroughs in titles is diminishing the ultra-nationalism of this super-patriotic post.  For the record, I tried crossing out "golf," so people can tell that I put country before sport.  Under god.]