Top 10 Reasons Chris Berman Won't Be at the Masters

by Mulligan Stu on Mar 24, 2008 5:34 PM EDT

Glory to heaven! Chris Berman will not be part of ESPN's Masters coverage - not even part of their three-person "SportsCenter" crew on-site. Mike Tirico (not really a scoop) will be the only ESPN personality who takes part in ESPN's broadcasts.

The New York Post's Phil Mushnick speculates:

That makes for some history-based suspicion. Berman is not only ESPN's highest-paid personality, he's the on-course host of ESPN's U.S. Open coverage, during which times, as if by popular demand, he has gradually added more of his tired and annoying self-promotional shtick. (Ya think the Masters folks don't watch the Open?)

That Berman will be nowhere in sight for ESPN's first Masters doesn't rhyme with ESPN's usual big-game scheme. It's not the kind of event one misses because it's bowling night.

It therefore stands to reason that the Masters boys, who keep a firm grip on everything from TV announcers to tickets - the grains of sand in the bunkers are numbered - made it clear from the start that Berman not make ESPN's cut. Either that, or ESPN preemptively volunteered to bench Berman.

Yes, that does stand to reason. But I've been working the phones this morning at Waggle Room World Headquarters (my mother's basement) and have gotten the scoop from several Augusta National members whose identities must be protected. Because to reveal them would also reveal that they are really just sock puppets that I keep in my mother's basement.

But pay that no mind. Herewith ...

Top 10 Reasons Chris Berman Won't Be at the Masters

He'll be busy those days taking steam baths with Gary McCord.
He's a notorious Masters baiter.
Once referred to the founder of the Masters as Bobby "Me and Mrs." Jones.
The sports jackets he wears in real life are even uglier than the Green Jacket.
He wasn't able to remove Jim Nantz's lips from Billy Payne's rump long enough to put his own there.
Wanted to replace the usual, treacly Masters theme music with "Rock and Roll Part 2."
Decreed that Masters attendees had to address him as "Augusta Caesar."
He can't afford a ticket.
Turns out he's the guy who's always screaming "Get in the hole!"